Features
Wednesday, 01 July 2009 08:07
Written by Helen Elfer

---

Puxi effortlessly blows the Eastside out of the water...

People always say Pudong is futuristic, unique and propelling Shanghai onto the global stage. Truth is, it’s futuristic if you take your cue from Transformers, unique if you discount NYC, Tokyo and Dubai. And as for international, well if that means giving the ugliest, most monotonous multinationals (that’s you, Louis Vuitton) free reign to peddle their tedious wares to yet more glassy-eyed consumers, then hell yeah, Pudong is a modern-age dream come true.

As a Puxi naïf gazing across the Huangpu waters, you may one day find yourself drawn to those distant sparkling lights like a poor deluded moth to a flame, imagining chic bars, elegant restaurants and perhaps all the delights of Puxi, with a little more, shall we say, finesse? Resist! You’re getting confused with Tokyo. For the love of all humanity, don’t be lured over. Sure, you can find a nice hotel bar, but step inside and you’ll see sat round VIP tables, guzzling buckets of crisp champagne and straining the buttons of beautifully tailored suits, the… shhhh… Pudong residents.

This increasingly common breed of animal is a highly dangerous species: take one step closer and you’ll find yourself ducking fat, stabbing fingers, your eyes stinging from pungent broken winds of cigar smoke, and listening to an anecdote with a punchline like this: “So the GEC, yeah, but what I’m saying is, the world goes zig, I go zag, and they had no choice but to hit me up with a 30 percent bonus!!” *Cue uproarious guffaws, and manly glass-clinking*

You’ve no doubt heard of the FILTH (Failed In London Try Hong Kong), well this is their Shanghai incarnation, the SHITE (SHanghai-dwelling International Trash Exports). Odious, backslapping, self-congratulatory specimens of humanity, these boys are Average Joes at home in the West, with nothing but an Adult Learning Certificate in Business Studies. Then wham! they find themselves hailed as demi-gods in Shanghai’s business district with double the salary, triple the gut and quadruple the ego. Think American Psycho but without the murderous intrigue; you can observe the poisonous creatures as they slither from chauffeur-driven car to hotel lounge, leaving behind nothing but a stinking trail of RMB100 notes.

Soulless ambition and an appreciation for nothing but the most overwhelming homogenization: now what could be the natural habitat for such beasts? That’s right, the architectural embodiment of these values: Pudong. Human phalluses surrounded by architectural phalluses – a truly fitting home. Just look at the place! Hard, cold, dreary and, screw ergonomics, clearly designed for some super-evolved 50ft humanoids. In fact, it looks a lot like a dystopic nightmare for toxic mutants to wreak havoc in feeding off the broken promises of a better lifestyle.

But the saddest thing is, Pudong has somehow become the symbol of everything that the outside world mistakenly associates with modern Shanghai. Desperately mercenary and lacking in flair, heart or panache; yet this is the Shanghai that gets talked about in op-ed columns, and these endless skyscrapers are the pictures used to illustrate The New China. But all the interest is resolutely on the west side, where you can find fresh, tree-lined streets, history, exquisitely designed buildings, creative communities, humor, bustle, reassuring chaos, warmth, humanity, for example. Of course Puxi has plenty of irritating characteristics, but hell, at least from time to time people take part in activities that aren’t shopping mall-based! At least original enterprises are launched that aren’t just cynical cash-grabbing ploys – theater groups, live music, free exhibitions. And best of all, at least you can look around and see semblances of sartorial style that haven’t been dictated by a corporate HR manual, p79,
under the heading: Meeting Clients.

Is there anything else to Pudong? Yes, unfortunately. Behind the initial ultra-modern flashiness lurk long empty roads leading into the grim suburbs, where the further you travel, the less you’ll find. Except, of course, the infamous expat compound villas in Jinqiao. Sure, you want clean air and schools for your young’uns, we sympathise. But is there really any reason for the utter whitewashed sterility? It’s as though the number one priority for residents is AVOID CHINA LERGIES! In fact, if the Stepford Wives were ever to visit one of these places, with their self-important faux-European aristocracy names such as Regency Park (who do you think you are kidding?) or Vizcaya, they would no doubt clutch each other’s arms, shrieking “Ewwww! What is with these freaky people and their weirdo perfect homes? I need a pint, fast…”

We’ve heard it called the answer to America’s Chinatowns; this is China’s number one Americatown. Kinda, but it’s more like an insane pastiche of Western living, with endless extra-green lawns, extra-blue swimming pools and extra-happy smiles with extra-white teeth. We’ve even spotted matching children’s cars in the driveways. You can just imagine the conversations at the next Blue Frog Family BBQ Day: “Daddy drives a BMW, so we had to get Junior a mini version. Battery operated, mind. But only 700 dollars! Worth every cent…”

Essentially, we suspect we’re preaching to the converted here. Pudongren, just admit it: most of you don’t even like the place yourselves! You use any excuse to hit up the Bund and the French Concession if you want to party. Or converse with interesting people, or get a decent meal, or check out some local art, or listen to some live
music... in fact any time you aren’t working or sleeping you all seem to be here in Puxi.

When we have overseas guests to stay we won’t even bother taking them over the river – it looks loads better from our side anyway. But will you tell your visitors there isn’t much going on in Puxi so it isn’t worth the trip? Hardly. And do you think they’d go home raving about how awesome the Superbrand Mall is? Or what a sensational time they had breathing in air that was marginally less polluted than on the west side? Um, no. So let’s call that a wrap.
In conclusion, everyone knows the only reason to go to Pudong is to hop on a plane and get the hell out. And oh, you can do that in Puxi too…
  
Has Helen Elfer been too harsh on Puxi? Leave a comment below or send us your opinion to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Want more?

Pudong Rocks:
Why Puxi Sucks
Only in Pudong
The People of Pudong

Cross-Huangpu stat attack

< Prev		Next >