Features
Tuesday, 10 November 2009 02:11
Written by Helen Elfer

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It's raining. Bugger. That means essentially no taxis in the whole of Shanghai. Can't get one? Here's the dumbdown guide:

Wrist action
Stretch out your arm and flop your wrist downwards in the limpest, campest, most dramatic flurry you can muster. This will a) increase your visibility to drivers at least ten-fold and b) indicate that your journey is remarkably urgent, and ensure they come screeching to a halt beside you.

Queue jumping priorities
Old people go first, right? Wrong. If they stagger frailly with a cane towards the car with beseeching eyes then step aside, naturally. But if they try any unexpectedly limber maneuvers or ungraciously try to elbow you out of the way then, hell, consider that gauntlet thrown down: Nuke ‘em. (Anyway, if they’re up to taxi-nicking tricks, they’re blatantly strong enough to stand a bit longer in the rain without catching their death…) Other candidates for special treatment are no-brainers: Children need to learn it’s a big bad world – you first. Tourists need an authentically harsh Shanghai experience – you first. Anyone in wheelchairs/on crutches/with visual impairments – well no one likes to be patronized, do they? You first.

Style it out
Once you’ve decided it’s your taxi, there are some rules to securing it without losing face. Don’t acknowledge your opponent or you’ll look like a sad, competitive try-hard. Intimidation is not cool. Neither is desperation.
And never, ever break into a jog. Up your pace, by all means, but only in a breezy, I’m-merely-walking-with-maximum-efficiency kind of way.

Taxi vultures
To ensure no one else can possibly swipe your taxi, actually get into the front seat while the previous passenger is still fussing with their fare. Or better still, stand proprietarily by their door. Even if it makes it a little awkward, or indeed, outright impossible for them to exit the vehicle – what’s a little delay when weighed up against maximum taxi security?

Foreign dilemmas
Here in Shanghai, grabbing other people’s taxis is part of the rough-and-tumble of everyday life. A good-natured slice of chaotic street culture, you might say. But what if you’re trying to steal a taxi from a foreginer? The English love queuing, the Japanese love civility. The Americans love chivalry, the Europeans want to do as they would be done by. The Australians are chilled, so they’re sure another ride will come along soon. But the bottom line is this: everyone knows that ‘Back Home’ stealing a taxi is just Plain. Bad. Manners. So try this: Use aforementioned techniques to get your bum on the seat, then holler out the window in your best Old China Hand voice: “You’ll understand how it works when you’ve been here as long as I have!” That’ll show them you’re not just being selfish; you’re actually super-assimilated into Shanghainese culture and you can’t remember any other way…

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