Features
Tuesday, 02 February 2010 02:02
Written by Helen Elfer

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Traffic wardens:
Take this mantra: “I am a very important person” and set it on an internal loop, so these words are all you can hear above the honking horns throughout your 10-hour shift. This will not only improve your mental health across the board, but put you in that special Traffic Warden Zone. Once in The Zone, you’ll never again find yourself questioning whistling in a child’s face because their little sandal is peeking over the white line. Or seizing someone’s arm because they look as though they might make a break for it four seconds before the lights change. Blow that whistle, guys!

Bicycle, motorbike and scooter riders:
Pavements are really just a third lane for traffic, so if you find yourself stuck in a rush hour jam, hop on up there. You may encounter some pesky pedestrians, but just honk obnoxiously at their backs. If they continue to insist on using the pavement for walking, just push your front wheel against their heels, that’ll get ’em out the way quicksmart.

Bus drivers:
Not so much kings of the road as tyrants of the tarmac. Feels good being sat up there, doesn’t it? But ever get the feeling you’re not quite afforded the respect you deserve? Here’s some little games that should put you right back up top: Rev up your engine at jaywalking little old ladies. That’ll show them who’s boss. Carve up cyclists so they skid into the kerb. Who’s the daddy now? Pedestrian crossing, yeah? Bring it on…

Twenty-year-old girls in red Audi TTs:
When you pull up at traffic lights, use the opportunity to reapply your Chanel lip gloss, adjust your LV sunnies and make a quick call on your Swarovski-studded cell phone. Don’t worry if the lights change, take your time and don’t move ‘til you’re good and ready. Those xiangxiaren in the nasty Santanas behind you can wait ’til you’re good and ready. Just don’t tell your mother how you paid for those wheels, OK?

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